Some thoughts on toddlers:

• Who is this PERSON and what the fuck did they do with my baby?!
• Really?You still want to nurse to sleep every night? You can put on your own shoes, talk on the telephone, kiss your stuffed monkey good night, sing part of the alphabet song, name most of the characters from Sesame Street, tell me how old you'll be soon (2!) and climb the big kid section of the playground. Can I get my boobs back soon please?
• That noise you make when you're bored or frustrated. Yup, that noise. That noise makes me want to drink heavily and punch myself in the face. More words, less noise.
• Where the hell did you learn all these words?! How did you know that the plastic letter you just handed me is a "W"? When did you memorize the last line of your favourite book?
• It's 11PM. Still not tired eh?
• It's 5AM, why/how are you so happy and awake?
• Despite what you may be convinced, the refrigerator is not really an entertainment device.
• So, when you said "orange" for 2 minutes straight, you didn't mean you actually wanted an orange.
• When you walked past and made your monkey wave "bye-bye" to us as you went around the corner, I was pretty sure my heart would actually explode with the cute overload.
• Is it normal/healthy for a kid to love being hung upside down and swung around by the ankles that much? Perhaps you'll have a successful career in the circus.
• Watching you walk up and down the stairs by yourself is the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced.
• The potty: not just a cool place to hang out with your pants off.
• Shit, I'm really going to have to start cleaning up my language if you keep repeating what I say like that.
• Yes, yes I would like a hug and a chat about the eating antics of very hungry caterpillars.