An open letter to the person responsible for creating the "chocolatey mint" (yes, that's their official name, I looked) Girl Guide cookies:


Goddamn those cookies suck.

They have the consistency of wax-covered, coarse-ground chalk dust mixed with burnt toast and taste of used dried toothpaste. My tastebuds may never forgive me for insulting them in such a manner. You have single-handedly ruined Fall for me. I doubt I will be able to sleep at night for months knowing that many boxes of these cookies are still out there, roaming the streets searching for innocent victims.

I'm just happy that I wasn't the one conned into forking over my hard-earned cash to some blue-clad imp for them because then I'd be really angry. By placing them out in the office kitchen, some passive-aggressive anonymous fellow cube-dweller was clearly trying to get rid of the curse of them before they left a permanent pox on their house.

I'm sure I should learn a lesson in partaking of food abandoned by others but I still hold that the majority of the blame lies with you. I hope you burn in the fiery bowels of hell for all eternity. Preferably right beside the place where they bake these cookies.

Sincerely,

Sid