After much thought and research, I've come to the conclusion that cannibalism is the best diet for humans.
Stick with me here.
Recently I've been reading up on the "Paleolithic" diet. Years ago, I read the amazing book "Lights Out: Sleep, Sugar and Survival". It made a ton of sense and really struck a cord with me. I cut back on refined carbs in my daily food, put blackout blinds on my windows and tried to get as much sleep as possible (damned late-night babies increasing my sleep debt). But I'm human (translation: weak and lacking in impulse-control) so I still snarf way too much sugar regularly even though I'm completely convinced it's dragging us all to a diabetes-cancer-autoimmune-disease-ridden-possibly-premature grave. I also don't really buy the author's endorsement of Atkins (ugh, that website is obnoxious, sorry) because it encourages the use of artificial sweeteners, something which I just can't believe should be part of a nutritious diet.
Anyway, lately my house dust/dust mite allergies have been driving me nuts. On weekends it's gotten to the point where I have to take an antihistamine first thing in the morning to avoid spending the whole two days miserable, sneezing and snotty. I follow all the "rules" about dust allergies: I have hardwood floors, with minimal rugs, I vacuum the whole place once a week, I have covers on my pillow and mattresses, I wash the bedding in hot water once a week, I put filters on my heat vents, I keep the house cool, I try to manage the humidity, I've cut out coffee and monitor my alcohol intake, etc... Nothing seems to be work and I hate being sick, especially on the weekend.
So I'm hitting the google looking for other solutions and finding stuff about chronic allergic inflammation being made worse/triggered by gluten sensitivities. Which takes me back to the whole "get rid of refined carbs and improve your health" thing (I guess the kids are calling it "Paleo" these days). One site I'm reading mentions that, from their perspective, in terms of an ideal fat-to-protein ratio, pork is one of the best food choices for humans. Which strikes me as somewhat funny, because one of the few things I remember from my undergrad is how closely related pigs and people are (e.g., pigs are prime candidates for xenotransplantation). And, because this is the way my warped brain works, it occurs to me that if pigs are really great food for people, perhaps people are even better food for people.
Now, of course, one would need to account for the increased risks of contracting a prion-based disease associated with cannibalism. But really, this risk would have to be weighed against the huge potential ecological gains. We can argue all day about whether farming meat or veggies is less harmful for the environment, but I think it's pretty obvious that if we assume that humans are the worst polluters (arguable as well yes) or at least the worst biologically-based destroyers/subverters/offenders of the Natural Order, then we have to accept that a few less humans is a good thing for the planet.
To me it follows then that eating those people is better for the planet and our own health, individually and as a species. Ecologically, their biomass will not be inefficiently wasted as it would by simply burying or cremating them (insert Monty Python skit here). Healthwise, in addition to the optimized nutritional food source, we'd very likely experience improved cardiovascular and muscle fitness gains from having chase our food and/or escape from being eaten. Cue: survival of the fittest, the elegant Gaia-balance is restored, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The one thing I'm still trying to figure out is whether eating vegans or people who predominately consume fastfood is better nutritionally and/or environmentally. Ultimately it's probably an ethical/practical toss-up and probably boils down to a purely aesthetic choice. Wouldn't it be wonderfully ironic if vegans tasted like chicken?
Either way, I'm hoping it'll fix my sneezing. Even if it means that no one wants to come to my house for dinner anymore.